I've loved my time here at Tabulas because the past 6 years of my life have been documented here, where I've experienced such major milestones of my life: leaving Austin, moving to Elkins, finally making new friends, graduating high school, entering college, lost loves, and studying abroad in Japan, Europe, and now South Korea.
But I guess it's time to move on, especially since I've gotten complaints of ads and I'm sad that my friends can't comment on any of my entries.
At first, I was going to move all of these entries over to Blogger, but then I decided I should preserve them the way they are, in their original home, so the new blog will be a completely fresh start.
I hope that at my new blog, I can continue to document even more milestones in the years to come, and that you all will still be with me over there. =)
This was the truly happiest I've ever been since senior year of high school, before everyone started hating each other and Kenny left us for Stephanie.
It's been 3 years now, and I haven't once experience real happiness until I came here.
Cameron is the first person I've been able to really click with and be myself with for so damn long, three whole fucking years. I haven't had so much fun in so long.
But now I've ruined it all.
I can never be happy again.
I hate myself.
Why am I such a crazy emotional trainwreck?
I hate how you can never ever be honest with anyone in the world, anyone, because honesty is what drives people away. No one wants to know how much you care about them because if you care too much, that'll scare them away. So instead, all you can do is sit in your room on a Saturday night, cry to yourself, starve, and wait for a one and half hour delivery from McDonalds to arrive, hopefully on time.
I'm really really really really going to miss him. God, I love him so much and don't want to leave him.
But I'm really ready to go home because I can't take this anymore.
I don't even know what I'm saying. I've just been crying in my room for the past few days, crying myself to sleep, waking up with swollen eyes.
And I'm making it worse by staying away from him but I miss him so damn much.
I need to stop this. Why do I fucking do this?
Why won't I ever let myself be happy?
It's because I don't think I deserve it. Because I am a terrible, hateful person who doesn't deserve happiness.
I just want my food to come, so I don't die from starvation.
I want everything to go back to normal.
I always ruin everything.
I want to be happy again. Just for one more month. Just let me. Just let me. One more month. Then I can go back to my dreadful, boring life where I hate myself and hate everyone and everything and just survive the day untouched.
Just let me be. let me be. let me be. i want to be happy again, why am i forced to go through this pain, why do i have to suffer like this when everything was perfect the way it was before. Perfect.
I tell myself I don't need friends to survive because I really don't. But I want friends because they help me really live. I love friends so goddamn much and I hate that I don't have them in New York with me. Why do they all have to be elsewhere and not in my future and not where I want to be and not where I ever am
Forever alone.November 11, 2011, 12:48 AM Korea time.
music: Swimming in the Flood by Passion Pit,
by Shrin.
I was browsing GS for something satisfy my late night cravings. I grabbed a bag of Baby Star and looked for something sweet to complement the salty noodle snack. The many Ferrero Rocher on display struck my fancy.
It's Pepero Day tomorrow in Korea, and it's strangely a very big deal here. From what I understand, it's essentially Valentine's Day #2, giving people another chance in the year to either couple up and feel loved or be made super aware of their singledom. You buy Pepero, chocolates, and flowers for your significant other or someone you like on that day. Korea seriously is a couples society, which is very different from the 'independence = power' mindset I'm so accustomed to in New York.
I proceeded to shamelessly buy the 5 pieces of chocolate for 3000 won for myself. However, when I went to check out, it turns out I didn't even have enough money to buy both, so I went with the Baby Star and had to put back the chocolates. I couldn't even afford to buy myself some pity chocolate to make me at least feel loved by myself.
