I spent today with Iris, since it was her last day. Of course, we spent it as we would any other day, sitting and eating and talking and reading magazines at her kitchen table. We watched 4 episodes of How I Met Your Mother and spent at least an hour trying to figure out the Rubix Cube algorithms, haha.

But when it was about time for me to leave, I felt sad for a moment when I said good-bye because thoughts of college came up, but then everything felt normal again.

It's not because I'm not going to miss her though. I realized that my friendships with my Austin friends were based on distance. I spent the older days of our youth not being within 15 minutes of them. We didn't get many chances to see each other because we lived in different parts of the county. We were friends because we were able to still be friends despite not seeing each other all the time.

That's why when I said good-bye to Iris today, it felt different from Lauren and Callie's good-byes. Iris and I have always had occasional hang outs, so it didn't feel like that big of a change. We are just moving even further away now, but we're used to not being that close anyway.

Same thing with the rest of my Austin friends. I texted Carolyn and Linda their good-byes, but I didn't feel like I was losing them. I called Tiffany while she was packing. As for Kathryn and Melinda, they're still in Houston, so I feel like they're still here anyway. Their good-byes come when I leave.

I don't know how long I'll call them my Austin friends, since they technically don't go to Austin anymore. I feel they need a different collective name from my Elkins friends because they are definitely a different group of people. I guess as I grow older, they might be called my middle school friends. Aww.

♣ Shrin
♣ 02:53 AM central time on August 22, 2009
♣ TAG: those essays i seem to write

Go again.

And I believe that saying good-bye to the people with whom you've spent the rebellious, heart-breaking, fabulous years of your youth is my next stop.

At least for me it is, since I have a gap period where I'm watching as my closest friends leave.

I don't know what I would've preferred to have to do.

Leaving before everyone else would've made me a bit sad inside because I'm already on to the next step of my life while everyone is still lying back waiting for their turn to go.

Leaving around the same time as everyone would've been a weird mass of good-byes because we're all entering a new world together right away, but just in different places.

I guess I accept that I'm the last to leave out of all my friends. Although it's sad that I must see everyone go, I'd like to do that, be with them until their ends, tell them my final good-byes as they're saying theirs, and have my own time to soak it all in in the end, instead of being forced to rush into college right away.

"Everyone's gone. Now it's my turn to go."

I still have a little time before I can say this.

I said my first official good-byes today. It was inevitable that I would cry while trying to brush it off and keep my cool, cry while typing about it right now.

I didn't know how to spend my last day with them to make it all count because I knew this would be the very last time we would all be able to be together as the good friends we were. Sure, we'll meet up later, but things aren't the same when there's distance. That's why people say that long-distance relationships don't work.

I'm glad Callie planned to have the original group get together one final time at the top of the stairs just like old times. I'm glad Kenny drove all the way from St. Thomas to come do this. Too bad Fang had to leave as Kenny came.

I miss the times where it was just the 6 of us, talking, playing board games, whatever to pass the time merely because we could with each other. Strange and sad how summer split us all apart, but I'm glad we could do it again one last time before we all left.

So we just played Pictionary. I took many random pics as usual. The guys left earlier. The girls stayed after to just talk. Same old, same old. It didn't even occur to me that this was Callie and Lauren's last day here before college. The three of us drove to Lauren's at 1:30 am to eat creme brulee. Lauren ran over a possum on the way there. We talked about animals and anything.

Callie looked over at the clock and declared that it was 2:30 and that she needed to get home because she had to get up early the next morning, with Lauren concurring, with me realizing this was the end. And I did just as mentioned above: I tried to say my good-byes as normally, as calmly as possible but of course, I couldn't help but start crying while receiving a hug from Lauren. Callie dropped me home and hugged me as I let my tears roll. I went inside and accepted the need for good-byes.

I realized the best way to spend the last day was to spend it as we would spend any other day, because there wouldn't be another "any other day" like this one anymore.

I thought I would cry during graduation because its huge ceremonial treatment would've been enough to suck my eyes dry of tears, but I felt absolutely no feeling. It was just like another day, except I had graduated.

I guess it's because afterward, we all forgot about it and just continued to spend the rest of our time together doing the usual as if nothing'd changed. Graduation really is just a big over-polished show. The real time for memories and tears is your last days with your friends right before college, when you all finally must move on.

 

Good bye, Callie and Lauren.

♣ Shrin
♣ 03:50 AM central time on August 21, 2009
♣ TAG: those essays i seem to write
♣ WATCHING: life going by

Go again.

Using only song names from ONE ARTIST, cleverly answer these questions. Try not to repeat a song title. It's a lot harder than you think! Repost as "My life according to (band name)"

Pick your Artist:
Phoenix

Are you a male or female:
Girlfriend (as in I am a friend that's a girl to people :P)

Describe where you currently live:
On Fire (Texas in the summer...)

If you could go anywhere, where would you go:
Rome (Sure, why not.)

Your favorite form of transportation:
Run Run Run (Well, I like driving, but Phoenix doesn't have a song with a title like that. :/)

Your best friend is:
Love For Granted (I expect them to love me because I love them.)

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
Lisztomania (Because I want a snazzy title :D)

What is life to you:
Funky Squaredance

Your fear:
School's Rules (Because college is starting soon. DD:)

What is the best advice you have to give:
(You Can't Blame It On) Anybody

Thought for the Day:
Definitive Breaks (Who am I going to completely split up with when I leave for college?)

How I would like to die:
Holdin' on Together (I want the people I love to be holding hands with me.)

My soul's present condition:
1901 (The beginning of a new millenium, a new era.)

My motto:
Everything is Everything

I was deciding between Kanjani8 and Phoenix, but it's easier to do English titles, and plus, Phoenix has less songs to choose from, so easier. :D

♣ Shrin
♣ 03:00 PM central time on August 11, 2009
♣ TAG: Meme-likes
♣ MUSIC: Summer Days by Phoenix
♣ WATCHING: Beautiful Life

1 more time(s).

The other day Jordon said something inappropriate about what he liked about black guys going out with white girls in TV shows and the experience by proxy.

But when I think about it in terms of what I watch, dramas, it might be somewhat similar.

The reason I watch dramas, particularly the good romance ones I enjoy, isn't solely, and definitely not consciously, because I feel like I'm experiencing the nice relationship, but I think it might subconsciously be it. When I watch them, you feel so attached to the characters that in your mind, you might as well be in the story.

I'm definitely not imagining myself in the girl's place, but in a way, you feel like you've been a part of their story by watching it and experiencing everything.

However, it makes me want a guy to like even more. I really should stop hoping for things I don't have.

Count what you have now. Don't count what you don't have.

♣ Shrin
♣ 04:47 PM central time on August 6, 2009
♣ WATCHING: Beautiful Life

1 more time(s).

I think the definition of a friend is something that you have to discover for yourself and apply it to however fits you.

卒業の時には、友達を大切にするはずです、みんな離れてるから。
I got conflicted with this issue near the end of this school year, senior year, before graduation. I found it both an unfitting and fitting time for this confusion. Unfitting because the end of high school is when you're supposed to treasure your current friendships, since you all are parting soon. Fitting because I guess that's a good time to really realize who you really treasure as a friend.

人達と共にも、昔より寂しかった。
I wasn't hanging out with my group anymore, Callie, Lauren, Fang, Kenny, and Caleb. They all had other things to do, other people to hang out with, always. Everyone seemed to have made new friends. In a bad analogy, new toys are more fun to play with that you only want to play with them once you get them. So when playing with your new toys, you leave your old toys behind. They may not have feelings, but in my case, I did, and I felt extremely left out and lonely. Even in class, since we had a lot of free time, they would all run off and talk to other people while I was left in my seat to sit alone with no one to turn to. I tried to include myself in their new groups, but they all seemed so absorbed in whatever thing they were talking about that I had no idea of that even within a group of people, I felt more alone than ever.

友達の心の中にいたい。
For the first time, I recalled my feelings of freshman year, recalled them so clearly that I felt them, except it felt much worse because now, I had people I thought were my friends, but they didn't seem to even consider me one. I think one of my biggest desires in life is to be included. One slight uninclusion and I'm completely torn.

問題から休みました、よく休んでましたね。
This problem went away for a bit, after I confided in Claudia and Fang about it (He couldn't believe I felt this way.), but I still had my doubts. I know it's bad to say, but luckily, I went on vacation right after graduation, so I could take a break from all the bad thoughts I had about my friends. And it was one nice vacation, I can say.

大事なものを学んだ、家族です。
On that vacation, though, I learned the importance of family. We were always going to be here for each other. Friends come and go, but family is the one thing that's permanent. Your cousin will always be your cousin. Your sister will always be your sister. Your mom will always be your mom. I hadn't had so much fun with or learned so much about my family this summer.

誰かがいないと、もっと逢いたいんです。
Friends came up during my vacation as well, however. People actually missed me. With the low opinion I thought they had of me, it came as a big surprise to me. It got me thinking about my friends again. Maybe because we had always been together, we had already established our friendship. We didn't have to be ~together always~ to acknowledge each other as friends.

We didn't have to be together always to acknowledge each other as friends.

I was trying to make a different point with this story, but remembering all of this has made me realize the meaning of that last sentence. I was here to talk about how I haven't seen everyone for so long and how I feel friendless again, but... I guess that's not the case. My Austin friends, I probably only see them once every two months or so and we're still like this x. Gosh, I'm so hopeless.

♣ Shrin
♣ 02:44 PM central time on July 23, 2009
♣ TAG: those essays i seem to write
♣ MUSIC: Aishuu no mizuumi by Kiyoshi Hiyama

Go again.

misGRAFFED v9 © Shrin 2005-2009. Layout created and coded by Shrin. Header pics from random pics saved on comp, hosted on Photobucket. "Misgraffed" is from A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act I, scene I, line 139.

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